Infidelity and Sexual Compulsivity

Posted under Sexual Addiction on Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Sexual compulsivity in America is a very real problem – especially for the estimated 3 to 6 percent of adults who have it. While sexual compulsivity encompasses a range of sexual behaviors, in marriages, or partnerships with significant others, infidelity is often present. In fact, the discovery – or suspicion – of an extramarital affair is frequently the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The situation may become untenable, with arguments escalating into such heated tension that the marriage or partnership itself is in jeopardy.

Infidelity as part of sexual compulsivity, then, poses real problems for the couple trying to maintain their relationship. If there are children involved, the situation is even more difficult. Each partner carries a tremendous sense of guilt, shame, anger and other emotions. For the sexually compulsive partner, hiding the secret of the affairs becomes a full-time job. Lying and deception become so common-place that it’s hard to tell the truth anymore about anything. For the spouse of the sexual addict, the sense of betrayal, abandonment and loss are almost too much to bear. Both partners are seriously damaged.

What can be done about infidelity and sexual compulsivity? What should be done? The answers may surprise you.

Honesty May Not Be the Best Policy

If a person is an alcoholic or addicted to drugs or gambling or workaholism and is undergoing treatment and/or is in recovery, he or she is most likely also attending a 12-step group meeting of some type. This may be Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Cocaine Anonymous (CA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Gamblers Anonymous (GA) or Workaholics Anonymous (WA). In fact, the 12-step method originated by AA has been adapted by the other groups to address their specific focus. Going to the meetings, receiving the support of other members of the group who have gone through similar circumstances and are themselves in recovery, the addict works his or her way through the 12 steps. Two of these steps involve honesty and disclosure – to self and others.

Steps eight and nine of the AA 12 steps involve making a list of all the people we have harmed and being willing to make amends to them all (step and making “direct amends” to people we have harmed “except when to do so would injure them or others” (step 9). Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) has incorporated these same steps, word for word, into their own 12 steps (adapted from the original AA 12-steps).

There are other 12-step groups or fellowships for sexual addiction and sexual compulsivity, all of which are affiliated in an Interfellowship Program. These groups include SA, above, as well as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA). While they have slightly different philosophies and approaches, they all stress honesty. Interestingly, they all have the same steps eight and nine in their own 12-steps.

Meeting with the 12-step groups that deal with sexual addiction and sexual compulsivity, the individual seeking help and support is encouraged to open up and admit their powerlessness over their sexual obsession, or lust, or unmanageable sexual behavior. They also receive the support of others in the group in order that they can take a moral inventory, admit their wrongdoings and share their hurt, feelings, shame, guilt, anger and other emotions in the safe confines of the group. This is the personal honesty that is a requisite part of being in the groups.

When it comes to telling the spouse/partner about the infidelities and all the sordid details of the affairs that the sexually compulsive person has committed, however, that’s another story indeed. Remember the part in step nine – “except when to do so would injure them or others” – well, unburdening your own conscience at the expense of another does much more harm than good. It may make you feel better, but it may also cost you your marriage or partnership. Clearly, then, honesty is not always the best policy.

Jennifer Schneider, in landmark research of couples and infidelity and sexual compulsivity, found that the offended partner very much wants to be in control of exactly how much is disclosed and to have these feelings of distrust and violation acknowledged by their sexually addicted partner and the therapist they are seeing as a couple. In other words, the power over what and how much about the infidelity is disclosed rests in the hands of the offended partner, not the sexual addict. That’s a bitter pill for the person who wants to unburden themselves and let go of their own guilt. It means they have a lot more work to do before they can reach the stage of broaching this subject with their partner. They’ll just have to chin up and do a lot more soul-searching.

What Can The Sexually Compulsive Partner Do?

For the sexual addict or sexually compulsive individual who is engaging in multiple affairs or cannot break off an extramarital affair, it’s important to find a therapist specializing in problems of sexual compulsivity.
He or she should attend one or several 12-step sexual help groups (SA, SAA, SLAA, SCA or SRA). In addition, he or she should also get a sex recovery sponsor from one of those meetings.
Check into treatment for sexual compulsivity – either as an outpatient or inpatient. Some treatment facilities specializing in sexual compulsion and sexual addiction offer residential and extensive outpatient treatment. Some have intensive workshops for couples, to be utilized in conjunction with a treatment program.

Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., a nationally known speaker on addiction and recovery, and director of Gentle Path, a 6-week intensive program designed to treat sexual compulsion, is also the author of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (1992), Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict (1989), and several other books worth reading.
There are numerous residential treatment centers that offer treatment for various addictions. Not all of them specialize in sexual compulsivity, however. Promises Treatment Centers in Malibu and West Los Angeles, offer extensive addiction treatment services, including those for sexual compulsivity.

What about Affected Spouses?

If you are the spouse of a sexually compulsive or sexually addicted person who has also been unfaithful, an important part of healing for you is to know and accept that the depression, anxiety and physical pain you feel do not mean that you are losing your mind. These are normal feelings and actually are part of the healing process for your recovery. What you probably need most of all is advice on what you should handle right now.

The worst mistake, according to marriage counselors and treatment professionals, is to stuff your feelings down. Don’t try to ignore them – they’ll just reassert themselves in more destructive ways. You also can’t run away from your partner’s sexual addiction – even though this, too, is a normal instinct. All of these behaviors do long term damage to you.
Instead, isolate and identify your feelings. Take control of you as a person and regain your sense of self-worth and personal power.

Learn how to communicate clearly and effectively with your unfaithful and sexually compulsive or addictive spouse. This is best done by working with a treatment professional who can guide you with appropriate ways of approaching certain subjects.
You need to create a foundation for a new partnership with your spouse, one that is based on trust.

There are also several organizations that can provide support and mutual fellowship while you are going through this process. These include Codependents of Sex Addicts (COSA), a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by another person’s sexually compulsive behavior. Like AA and the 12-step groups for sexually compulsive or sexually addicted persons, COSA is framed according to adapted 12 steps (again, steps eight and nine are the same). You can check out their website and make use of the resources they have online. COSA offers face-to-face meetings (with a meeting locator by state), as well as telemeeting and online meetings.

Check out COSA’s weekly readings on their resources page – especially week one (Sexual Co-Addiction/Codependency of Sexual Addiction), week two (A Question of Recovery), week three (What is Sobriety?), week four (How do I know if I’m a Co-addict/Codependent of a Sex Addict?), and week five (Letting Go).

Another organization/website is Co-Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (COSLAA). See also their Tools for Recovery. And there’s also S-Anon.

For Couples

If you and your partner have decided to make a go of your relationship, and he/she is currently in or has completed treatment for sexual compulsivity or sexual addiction, ask the treatment professional for a recommendation to a couples treatment workshop, seminar or treatment program. This may be an intensive weekend seminar, or once weekly for a specified time, or 10-day program (or other). Some couples and/or family treatment programs are offered as an add-on service to existing treatment programs. For example, you may be able to participate in a multi-day family and/or couples day experience toward the end of the sexually compulsive or sexually addicted individual’s treatment program.

Treatment professionals also recommend that both partners continue to participate in their respective 12-step groups following treatment.

Infidelity and Sexual Compulsivity – Does it Spell the End of the Relationship?

In the final analysis, this all depends on the couple. How strongly motivated are each of you to continue the marriage or partnership? How willing are you to do what it takes to overcome this serious obstacle and challenge in your relationship? If both you answer yes, and give it your wholehearted commitment, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have every expectation of a future together built on renewed trust – and true intimacy with each other.

Remember, though, that neither of you can do this on your own. Sexual compulsivity and sexual addiction is progressive. For the addict, without treatment, the out-of-control sexual behavior only gets worse – and so do the consequences. Likewise, to effectively deal with the ups and downs, and to get the support and encouragement you need as the affected partner, you also need counseling. Take advantage of various tools and support available to you. And, above all, give it time to work. Your ultimate happiness as a couple is certainly something to look forward to.

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